Wipe Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap." The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap." The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?" The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea- I'll use that!" He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?" The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home. The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!""That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back more...
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said; "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties" "That's nothing" said the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said;
"From all more...
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a young lovely thing. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words.
Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving
along the highway, I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled,
so I offered her a lift. She was hungry, so I brought her home and made
a meal from the roast you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had
only some worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you
discarded because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her
the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore
because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I
gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for
you now. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and
asked;
"Is there anything else that more...
Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
1) It insulates the closet where it is kept.
2) It is less expensive and more fun than psychiatric care.
3) A sudden increase in the boll weevil population might wipe out the cotton crop for the next 10 years.
4) I'm participating in a contest - the one who dies with the most fabric wins!
5) Because I'm worth it!
6) It's not immoral, illegal or fattening. It calms the nerves, gratifies the soul, and makes me feel good!
7) Buy it now, before your husband retires and goes with you on all your shopping expeditions.
8) It helps keep the economy going. It is our patriotic duty to protect the jobs of textile mill workers, and quilt shop staff with cute babies and grandchildren.
9) It keeps the dust off those previously empty spaces like the dining room table or the living room floor.
10) It keeps without refrigeration, you don't have to cook it to enjoy it, you never have to feed it, burp it, change it, wipe its nose, or walk it!
Submitted by Jim Porter
Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck? Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn? t know how? Well, now you can!
Just follow these instructions. Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That? s all you will need to start!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2, 000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex as you read this. FIRST, untie and remove fancy shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be more...