Witness Jokes / Recent Jokes
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and more...
My wife received a copy of the following at her law firm. It purports to be
true. For those of you who don't know, a "deposition" is a transcript of
pre-trial testimony. These transcripts tend to be thick documents.
To: all attorneys
Subject: Depositions and Their Use
A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed
with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on
Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although
the use of a deposition of a party opponent "for any purpose" is also in the
federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this
exchange:
The Court: Next witness.
Ms. Olschner: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the
head with his client's deposition.
The Court: You mean read it?
Ms. Olschner: No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to
Rule 32, I more...
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?""Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once.""Whom did you marry?""Well, a woman."The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn`t it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn`t hear the question. "Isn`t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you
The opposing attorney, who was a giant 6’8”, asked a diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer."You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket.""Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."