Witness Jokes / Recent Jokes

One more Lincoln story that came to mind:
As a young lawyer, Lincoln was pleading a case and asked a witness (appropos of what I do not recall, though perhaps the use of heresay evidence): "How many legs does a cow have?"
The man grinned at the foolish question and said, "Four, of course."
"And how many legs would the cow have if we called her tail a leg," continued Lincoln.
With a partonizing sneer, the witness replied, "Five."
"No, my friend, she'd still have four. Just calling her tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. “You claim to have stopped
by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?” “Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was
proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it. “So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please, answer the question. What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney. Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight? Witness: Yes. Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere? Witness: Yes. Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!! Witness: Yes. Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had more...

Should kids witness a birth? A true story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911."

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn't it true, ” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? ” The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. “Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? ” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question. ” “Oh, ” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you. ”

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident? ”
The witness: “Yes, sir. ”
The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened? ”
The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches. ”
The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance? ”
The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question. ”

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary? ”
“Yes, ” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods. ”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my
client commit this crime? ”
“Yes, ” says Sam, “I saw him do it. ”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night? ”
Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that? ”