Wood Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He
>is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
>green.
>
>He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
>"Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
>"Ribbit. 9 iron."
>
>He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts
>his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10
>inches from the cup. He is shocked!
>
>He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky
>frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
>
>The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
>"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
>
>The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is
>befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
>
>By the end of the day, the man golfed more...

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes."Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "Thats a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the shit house more...

David Greenland is an expert on Land Resource Planning.
Anthony Pinto is Production Manager of Ford Motor Company. (No! the car was not named after him)
Dr Coffin is the head of the CMA. (Canadian Medical Association)
Peter Nix is a toxicologist at Environment Canada.
Rik Scarce is in jail for non-revelation of his sociology study sources
Otto Matt was a pioneer in digital cartography
Sergei Chilibashwilli - Soviet athlete who fatally bashed his willy on the concrete platform at the Edmonton Student Games.
Andrew Payer is an auditor in the pay office of Health and Welfare Canada
John Trout works for Environmental Communications.
Dr. M. Gawk-roger is my opthalmologist.
Bill Hogg is a hobby farmer and physician.
Nancy Savage is a corporate lawyer.
Byrd Airport in Richmond VA.
Sally Ryde was the first woman to have a ride in the Space shuttle Challenger. Lucky she didn't get the second.
Wendy Parkes is a bureaucrat in Parks more...

Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove

Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove

Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove

Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning

Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove

Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work

Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove

Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm

Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season

Enter - Come on in

Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below

Screen - What is a must during black fly season

Chip - What you munch during a football games

Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone

Modem - What you did to your fields last July

Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's more...

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man more...