Woodchuck Jokes / Recent Jokes

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?
If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants more...

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink? How do you throw away a garbage can? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock? If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked? If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from? If I save time, when do I get it back? If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers? If swimming is good for your shape, then more...

We all knew part of this as kids, but I never knew the whole thing...
If a woodchuck could chuck wood,
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck,
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?
Ned Nott was shot and Sam shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot.
But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, then Shott was shot, not Nott.
However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Not.

Less Common Latin PhrasesQuo signo nata es? What's your sign? Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt. You know, the Romans invented the art of love. O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem! Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm! Spero nos familiares mansuros. I hope we'll still be friends. Mellita, domi adsum. Honey, I'm home. Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio. I am as dead as the nehru jacket. Ventis secundis, tene cursum. Go with the flow. Totum dependeat. Let it all hang out. Te precor dulcissime supplex! Pretty please with a cherry on top! Magister Mundi sum! I am the Master of the Universe! Fac me cocleario vomere! Gag me with a spoon! Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre? Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me? Prehende uxorem meam, sis! Take my wife, please! Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much more...

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Less Common Latin Phrases
Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we'll still be friends.
Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.
Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.
Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.
Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.
Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!
Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!
Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take more...