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How Dogs and Men Are the Same: (men keep reading, you'll get your turn)
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better than Men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a more...
These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what more...
Q: What`s the worst thing you`re likely to find in the school cafeteria? A: The Food!
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been
nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything
besides what he could
forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the
woods. It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any
other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney
implying someone is
home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers,
with a beard almost down
to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and
says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three
weeks and haven't had a
decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be
most gracious if I could
have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on
one condition: You
cannot mess more...
When I began writing this letter, I had the notion that I would write about something positive and optimistic instead of going on about how homophobic Mr. Osama Bin Laden is. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of anything particularly positive to write about. So, instead, I'll just tell you that words fail me in describing my pure distaste for Osama's sermons and brainless practices. In the text that follows, when I quote from Osama, I will use the word "excrement" in place of another word which is now apparently permitted in general circulation publications, and which I have edited out. Some will say I exaggerate, but, actually, I'm being quite lenient. I didn't mention, for example, that he says he's going to shower bloodthirsty traitors with undeserved praise quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "ultracentrifugation". Is he out of his mind? The answer is fairly obvious when you consider that he dreams of a time when he'll be free to brand me as more...
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady.
"May I buy you a drink?" the man asks the lady.
"Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man," she responds.
"Whoa! I would have never known if you hadn't told me," the man says shocked, "Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?"
"No," she says calmly.
"What about when they cut off your.."
"No," she says hesitantly.
"Well what was the worst part of the operation?", the man asks.
"Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!"
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady."May I buy you a drink?" the man asks the lady."Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man," she responds."Whoa! I would have never known if you hadn't told me," the man says shocked, "Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?""No," she says calmly."What about when they cut off your..""No," she says hesitantly."Well what was the worst part of the operation?", the man asks."Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!"