Worst Jokes / Recent Jokes
Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story.
During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency".
Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision".
"How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.
Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."
"That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.
Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."
My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get." I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about." If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me! You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank)..... I want you to go find something for me to spank you with. Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. What were you thinking more...
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks' What's up?'
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
'ROME?!' Joe says,' Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?'
'We're taking TWA,' the man replies.
'TWA?!' yells Joe.' They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?'
The man says' We'll be at the downtown International Marriot.'
'That DUMP?!' says Joe.' That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?'
The man says' We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.'
'HA! That's rich!' laughs Joe.' You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll more...
Joe was sitting in his favorite bar having a few beers after work, when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite place her."Hi, Joe", she said. "I haven't seen you in a long time."Joe was puzzled. "Charlie, is that you?" What are you doing dressed up like a woman?""Well, Joe. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that I always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I finally decided to do something about it. After a number of operations, I am now a woman."Joe was initially shocked, but after admiring Charlie's breasts, he said, "Damn, Charlie, I bet it was pretty painful to have those implants put in.""Yeah, but that wasn't the most painful part."Joe's gaze lowered, and he got a sick feeling in his stomach. "Oh shit. You mean you had your penis and testicles cut off? I bet that was awful.""Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasn't the worst more...
One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.
He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."
The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"