Write Jokes / Recent Jokes

The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.
Remember, when you gotta cuff 'em ..nobody is your friend.
If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?(if you aren't a shooter, that is the average speed of a 9mm projectile (slug)).
So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?
Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.
The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?
God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today.
Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets more...

The Following Add Appeared In Newspaper:'Are You Illiterate? You Don't Know How To Read Or Write? If Do So Do Write To Us And We Will Help You'

The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."Just how big were those two beers? In God we trust, all others are suspects."

There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked.
The post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA," they decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to President Clinton.
The president read the letter and thought it was cute, so he asked his secretary to send the boy $5, thinking the boy would think that was a lot of money.
When the boy got the letter, he was so excited that he sat down immediately to write a thank-you letter. "Dear God," he wrote, "Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it is to be expected, but I thought you should know that when you sent it through Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95."

You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God". You have visited every website in the world. You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama. You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour. You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth. Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life. You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo. Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long. In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon more...

Mr. Spears announced he will write an autobiography so people will have a better understanding of who he is. Federline will write the book as part of a Learning Annex class he's taking called, "Autobiography Writing For Talentless Douchebags With Nothing To Say."