Xmas Jokes / Recent Jokes

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than more...

The Gingrinch that stole Xmas
By Mark D. Harmon
(journalism and broadcasting Prof. at Texas Tech University, Lubbock, Texas.)
All the Whos down in Whoville took little note. Some listened to fear. Some didn't vote. Little did they know a Gingrinch did lurk. He'd been scheming for years to do evil work. The Whos were surprised, to find in everyone's house, a fat grinning rat dressed as a church mouse.
"I'm the Gingrinch," he bleated. "You Whos must be told that hope's been defeated." The Whos looked around in shock and dismay. Who could have dreamed such a strange thing to say? The Gingrinch, however, took little heed. He had an agenda; it started with greed.
The Gingrinch chortled and let out a hideous laugh. He bellowed and beckoned and brought out his staff. "This is Jesse, Strom, Alphonse, Henry, Bob, and Kay--we have so much contract work to do today. We intend to change Christmas, the whole Christmas season. We've got a new more...

Top 10 Comments Made By The Reindeer During Their Xmas Flight^10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?"

9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he
knows which one is which?"

8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE."

7. "Sure... HIS seat is a flotation device. What about us?"

6. "Tried those new lite oats? You really should."

5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."

4. "HEY! Watch the antlers there, buddy!"

3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"

2. "You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingling bells really get
annoying!"

And Finally...

1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"

The Gingrinch that stole Xmas
By Mark D. Harmon
(journalism and broadcasting Prof. at Texas Tech University, Lubbock, Texas.)
All the Whos down in Whoville took little note. Some listened to fear. Some didn't vote. Little did they know a Gingrinch did lurk. He'd been scheming for years to do evil work. The Whos were surprised, to find in everyone's house, a fat grinning rat dressed as a church mouse.
"I'm the Gingrinch," he bleated. "You Whos must be told that hope's been defeated." The Whos looked around in shock and dismay. Who could have dreamed such a strange thing to say? The Gingrinch, however, took little heed. He had an agenda; it started with greed.
The Gingrinch chortled and let out a hideous laugh. He bellowed and beckoned and brought out his staff. "This is Jesse, Strom, Alphonse, Henry, Bob, and Kay-we have so much contract work to do today. We intend to change Christmas, the whole Christmas season. We've got a new message; more...

three men died and went to heaven and were waiting for St Peter to come to the door. When he did he told all three men they could only come in if they had something in there pocket to represent xmas. the first man pulled a lighter out and said its a candle. so St Peter let him in. the second on pulled keys out and jingled them and said its the xmas bells. so St Peter let him in. the third man pulled a pair of knickers out and St Peter was confused and asked what do they represent? and the third man replied, there Carols!

It was xmas day. a little toddler was crawling round the house, spying on his older sister, brother, mum and dad. Later that day, the fathers boss an his wife were coming round for xmas dinner..
First, he stood outside his sister room and listened to a conversation she was having with her friend "Shes a right bitch... and hes a bastard too" the little boy didnt know what these words meant, so he ased his sister "erm... it means ladies and gentlemen" she said.
Satisfied, he went upstairs, where is mum was applying her makeup. clumsily, she dropped her lipstick andsaid "shit!" again the little boy didnt know this word "it means makeup, son", she said.
Finally, the boy went down to see his dad, who was carving the turkey. He accidently sliced his finger with the sharp knife. obviously in pain, he cried out "fuck!" yet again, the little boy wanted to know what this word meant. "it means carving" he said.
10 more...