Yard Jokes / Recent Jokes

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:
Last name: _______________________ First name: (Check appropriate box) (_)Billy-Bob (_)Billy-Joe (_)Billy-Ray (_)Billy-Sue (_)Billy-Mae (_)Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you? (_)Booger (_)Bubba (_)Junior (_)Sissy (_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:(Check appropriate box) (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed (_)Dirty Politician (_)Preacher
Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box) (_)Sister (_)Brother (_)Aunt (_)Uncle (_)Cousin (_)Mother (_)Father (_)Son (_)Daughter (_)Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____
Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave more...

A Little Johnny went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted
for Christmas.

Little Johnny answered, "A damn swingset in the backyard."

"Excuse me?" said Santa.

"I want a damn swingset in my backyard," repeated Little Johnny.

Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something.
Let's try again. What else do you want?"

Little Johnny answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."

"You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline in
the front yard."

Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. "I'm sorry son, I can't give
anything to someone who talks like you do. I'm not bringing you anything for
Christmas."

Santa then called Johnny's more...

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:Last name: _______________________First name: (Check appropriate box)(_)Billy-Bob(_)Billy-Joe(_)Billy-Ray(_)Billy-Sue(_)Billy-Mae(_)Billy-JackWhat does everyone call you?(_)Booger(_)Bubba(_)Junior(_)Sissy(_)Other____________Age:____ (if unsure, guess)Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sureShoe size:____ Left ____ RightOccupation:(Check appropriate box)(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Unemployed(_)Dirty Politician(_)PreacherSpouse's Name:_____________2nd Spouse's Name:_______________3rd Spouse's Name:_______________Lover's Name:_______________Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)(_)Sister(_)Brother(_)Aunt(_)Uncle(_)Cousin (_)Mother(_)Father(_)Son(_)Daughter(_)PetNumber of children living in the home:_____Number of the children living in the shed:_____Number that are yours:_____Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade more...

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?""Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk."That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.

2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.

3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e.: chairs, books,lamps, etc.)

4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I, uh, mean other garbage." Walk away laughing hysterically.

5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close, state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."

7. When they're watching TV, more...

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I more...

How to Change Your Oil
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is more...