Yesterday Jokes / Recent Jokes

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Weird news: bomb scarePhiladelphia - Authorities who believed they had a bomb on their hands yesterday are now trying to figure out where a box of cooked crayfish originated and where it was going.
The box was found between two cars early yesterday in a parking garage near a terminal at Philadelphia International Airport. Police dog Teddy confirmed something was fishy.
Airport spokesman Mark Pesce said the package, about the size of a shoe box, was wrapped in duct tape and had no mailing address.
"It didn't look like an average traveling box," Pesce said.
After some sniffing around, investigators summoned firefighters, bomb squad members and a robot used to detonate explosives. X-rays then showed the package contained only the small crustaceans essential to Cajun cooking.
"We were hoping it was cookies," Pesce said. From The Daily Collegian

In an interview yesterday former President Jimmy Carter was extremely critical of President Bush. His exact quote was `He is the worst president since me.`

425 b.c. Day One
Dear Diary,
First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem
happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it
was a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard
side, and the birds, insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to
"straighten" that one out, har har. Too tired to talk to God tonight. (Get
Him started about the furies of His judgement, and He just goes on and
on...) So, off to bed...
425 b.c. Day Three
Dear Diary,
Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of land left to
see. Saw a whole village's worth of people, all tied together in a pitiful
attempt to save their own lives through common struggle. Sure glad I read
those books about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse; now
if I can figure out what "canned rations" and "ferroconcrete bunkers" mean,
I'll be in more...

Shaggy, Shania Twain, and Brittney Spears were in an elevator. Someone farted. Shaggy said, It Wasnt Me, Shania said, That Dont Impress Me Much, and Brittney said, Oops I Did It Again!
The next day they entered the elevator again. Someone farted. Shaggy said, It Wasnt Me, Shania said, That Dont Impress Me Much, and Brittney said, Stronger Than Yesterday!

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p. m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone’s ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p. m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit. ”

The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque Public School System by parents of students:
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse more...