Yourself Jokes / Recent Jokes

Gags for the Office Drone Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all more...

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you more...

Attract girls by being busy
When a girl asks you what you did yesterday, never say, "Oh, I just sat around and was bored." Better to say, "I was up early to run errands and take care of business, then played tennis, met a friend for lunch, and worked in the afternoon." Lie if you have to. And don't worry, you'll get used to it:)
If a girl calls and asks what you are doing, reply with, "I just walked in the door" or "I'm just on my way out to take care of business."
Don't hang on the the phone for hours talking to girls indicating you don't have anything else to do. Get the business of the call over, be pleasant, then excuse yourself.
By not calling a girl every night or contacting her every day, you show that you are busy and have other things that are important in your life besides her. This lets her know that she is going to have to compete for your time.
If you run into someone, be pleasant and friendly. Show that more...

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this more...

ARIES
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
TAURUS
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.
GEMINI
You are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.
CANCER
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.
LEO
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
VIRGO
You are the logical type and more...

What's the latest dope -- besides you?

I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.

You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.

When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound.

Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.

You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.

I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.

You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.

You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it!

You never strike out blindly; you fail in more...

We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!

When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.

Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much.

Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.

You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.

If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!

I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too.

I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by more...