Yourself Jokes / Recent Jokes

1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer doesn't go that high.
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8) Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first."
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with more...

Some Warning Signs of Insanity
- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
- You collect dead windowsill flies.
- Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
- You like cats. Especially with mayo.
- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
- You have more...

...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
...you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...the Sun is too loud.
...trees begin chasing you.
...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
...you wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
...you can hear mimes.
...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
...things become "Very Clear."
...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
...you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING more...

ARIESYou are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.TAURUSYou are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.GEMINIYou are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.CANCERYou are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.LEOYou consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.VIRGOYou are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your more...

Here's some advice Bill Gates dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they would not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1
Life is not fair-get used to it.
RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your more...

You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you are online again.
Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.
Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome.
You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization or complete sentences...
You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy, you claim it was off the hook.
You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (another all-night online session).
You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail."
You double more...

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets more...