"A Guide to Love and Sex for " joke
A Guide to Love and Sex for VirginsAs a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have manyquestions concerning romance, love, even s.. e.. x. In this sensitive andfrank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explainseverything you've ever wondered about. Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams? A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has adifferent ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should actand look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can giveyou a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That'sright, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer andlots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick aman that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, Irecommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possiblyreassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there. Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right? A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest youtry out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars. Q: Do men like aggresive virgins? A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it'sup to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approachmen on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the icewith simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place. Q: What if a man's married? A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuableexperience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sortof commitment. Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man? A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourselfpregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says hiswife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believehim and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'llsoon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such importantmatters. Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comesto love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, sincethey're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact. Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible. Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing toremember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may atfirst seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed orembarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have anatural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends toplay golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with hisfriends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcoholand sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel leftout - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him anexpensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q: What is "afterplay"? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manlyenergy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you todo after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, makinghim a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him aloneto sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, isimportant, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect malepenis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that isextremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is sevencentimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank youlucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing hislaundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift. Q: What about the orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth. Q: Are you sure? A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experiencedmen or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend bygoing out and buying him an expensive gift.
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