"A dog's chalkboard assignments" joke

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carvedjack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundrydetergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remotecontrols; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on myhouse; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirtyKleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clotheshamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honeypackets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, andother thin plastic things.
2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; theconformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying toimpress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects(even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remotecontrol; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;
4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly plantediris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillowsand blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddiepool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy'sferrets.
5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboardaround the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchencabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottleeven though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's newsaddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.
6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it isparked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (whichwas innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Mollynoticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by airfrom the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes itgo DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, evenif the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I justpushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer outin the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the firehydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; theanswering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slidunder the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).
7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until itcollapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; aswimming pool in the back yard;