"Blow job etiquette (by a woman)" joke
Blow job etiquette (by a woman)
1 - First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2 - Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3 - I don't care what they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4 - Extension to rule #3- No, I don't have to swallow.
My ears are not handles.
5 - Extension to rule #5- Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really want puke on your dick?
6 - I don't care how relaxed you get, it is never ok to fart.
7 - Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just you can't have sex right now.
8 - Extension to #8- "blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if you are that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my midol.
9 - If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
10 -Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
11 - If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
12 -No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
13 - No, I will not do it while you watch TV.
14 - When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
15 - Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
A Man's Rebuttal
1 - First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2 - Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3 - You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4 - I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5 - When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6 - Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7 - You bitch about the taste, but trust me when i tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8 - At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9 - Play with the balls.
10 - No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11 - Caress the ass, too. We like that.
12 - Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13 - If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full more...
What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection.
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because,' It's a lot of money!'
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her more...
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your more...