"Church Bulletins" joke

Some churches are more fun than others.
Believe it or not, these actually appeared in various church bulletins:
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and
north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both
ends.
2. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, come early.
3. Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr.
Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by
the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little
mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers
please meet with the pastor in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to
come forward and lay an egg at the alter.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water".
One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of
paper.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday
afternoon.
9. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the
church basement. Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce
the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.
11. Tonights sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen
to our choir practice.
12. For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.
14. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
15. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.