"Church Bulletins" joke

Some churches are more fun than others. Believe it or not, these
actually appeared in various church bulletins:
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends
of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk, come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr. Johnson will
sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the little mothers
club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the
pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward
and lay an egg at the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join
in.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the
new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church
basement. Music will follow.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Tonights sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.