"Consultants" joke

A bloke is driving around in his Porsche in the countryside. He stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says
"I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me. If I guess wrong, you get my car."

The shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees.
"137" says the driver. "Damn me, you're right.", says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.

The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car, and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. "I've got a proposal for you." says the shepherd. "If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep."

"Done", says the driver
"You're a consultant.", says the shepherd. "Bloody hell, how did you guess?"

"Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it."

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Why do consulting companies prohibit sex between consultants and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
Why are consultants like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
forever.
What do consultants and sperm have in common?
One in 3, 000, 000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps?
They had pictures of consultants on them. . and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A man walked into a consultant's office and inquired about the rates for a study....

"Well, we usually structure the project up front, and charge $5, 000 for three questions", replied the consultant.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the consultant replied, "and what was your third question?"

A contractor dies on in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint
Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the contractor.
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating
the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the consultant. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets."