"I HAVE VALUES TOO, DAMMIT" joke

The Family Research Council, the nation's #1 "family values" organization, is holding a "Values Voters Summit" to support political candidates who share their, "beliefs and values."
To celebrate this occasion, I would like to affirm my beliefs:
- I believe in capital punishment, and since I was a former teacher, I believe in starting it at the 8th grade level.
- I believe in the right to life-that the fetus has the same rights as we do, and that it should have to stand in line at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles like the rest of us.
- I believe that everyone should abstain from sex before marriage, because only after marriage can one truly realize the horrible mistake they have made.
- I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and that gay people should be able to get married because they deserve to have their sex life destroyed just like everyone else.
- I believe that no man should be able to dress like a woman because there are plenty of ugly women to go around and they deserve a fighting chance.
- I believe that pornography can do great harm to people, especially when everyone sees their naked pictures on the Internet.
- I believe that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but a syringe is much faster.
- I believe that children are the future, but still should be seen and not heard until they are 17 and cute.
- I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. That is why, for justice, I must go to Don Corleone.