Deserve Jokes

Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to
Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do
the heavy lifting for you!

Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas]
[Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer
of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic]
[passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little......
[boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have......
[not] [sometimes] [compulsively]. ..... [lied] [cheated]
[embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always]
[often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma]
[grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other
daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid
schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes
me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I more...

People usually deserve each other

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." - Jack Benny
"When I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen
"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are." - Milton Berle
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." - George Burns
"You're never too old to become younger." - Mae West
"I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins." - Charlie Chaplin
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball
"I don't feel more...

The Family Research Council, the nation's #1 "family values" organization, is holding a "Values Voters Summit" to support political candidates who share their, "beliefs and values."
To celebrate this occasion, I would like to affirm my beliefs:
- I believe in capital punishment, and since I was a former teacher, I believe in starting it at the 8th grade level.
- I believe in the right to life-that the fetus has the same rights as we do, and that it should have to stand in line at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles like the rest of us.
- I believe that everyone should abstain from sex before marriage, because only after marriage can one truly realize the horrible mistake they have made.
- I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and that gay people should be able to get married because they deserve to have their sex life destroyed just like everyone else.
- I believe that no man should be able to dress like a woman because there are plenty more...

Barbie's Letter To Santa:



Dear Santa,



Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!



There had better be some change around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999, Santa.



1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?



2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap more...