"JehovaScript" joke

The next generation embeddable scripting language for the web!
JehovaScript (JS) is a powerful language with many advantages over
current scripting systems. Its features include active alerts, a
miracle system and error-collection. Rather than being defined as
DOM-compliant, object-oriented or nth-generation, JS is
Buzzword-Compliant, so your place at the forefront of technology is
guaranteed regardless of trend-changes in the world of computing.
Main features
Miracles
Each run of a JS program is entitled to three miracles. This allows
you to deal gracefully with unexpected problems: you can create the
needed RAM if memory allocation fails, or temporarily change the
user's browser if the current browser does not support a certain
feature of the language.
Polymorphic constants
Rather than create specialized logic for different situations, you can
change the interpreters beliefs about constants. For example, the OS
usually signals errors by non-zero return values, while normal
programming logic relies on non-zero values for success. Instead of
clumsy constructs like:
err = OpenFile(...);
if (err != 0)...
You can write
believe(0 != 0);
// the interpreter will take care of the complementary assignment,
// since you can't have everything equal to everything
if (OpenFile(...))...
A powerful alert system
Some users just don't give a hoot about those angry alert-boxes that
you put up. JS provides unrivaled UI elements for coercing the user to
cooperate, going all the way from text alerts to fire and brimstone
showers.
var nTimes = 0;
function submitForm() {
if (! parseInt(document.form1.field1)) {
nTimes++;
if (nTimes < 3)
alert("Please enter a number");
else
strikeByLightning(k200Volts);
}
}
Error collection
This is a unique model of exception handling: rather than setting
handlers for individual errors, 1 in every 365 program cycles is
dedicated to collecting fatal errors and resetting shared resources.
Prayers
You can actively set preconditions via the prayer mechanism:
function average(inArray) {
var sum = 0;
for (i = 0; i < inArray.length; i++)
sum += inArray[i];
pray(inArray.length != 0);
return (sum / inArray.length); // will never fail for a righteous user
}
Data Blessing
JS allows you to bless variables. This is very different from Perl's
blessing, and in a way takes more after Perl's notion of 'data
tainting'. Blessed variables are never equal to zero, never involved
in runtime errors and never participate in situations that trigger
alerts.

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