"Ouchies -- Medical Excertps" joke

The following are excerpts from various American Medical Journals. Prepare yourself, they are pretty amazing and sick (But all are true)

You have been warned!!!!!

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FEMALE SOFA: A 500-pound woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. OUCH!

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A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloodied restaurant towels. The man had his arms around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her mouth to clamp down on the man's member and wrenched it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

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SEX EDUCATION: A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains sked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied, "I'm not. I just lie there." When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No, who?"

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BLIND DRUNK: A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

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GROWING SEASON: An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.

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PRICKLY PAIR: In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her vagina" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

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LAST STAND: A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was aving so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to the ER, ll the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain killers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.

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CALL THE BUM SQUAD! A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell so it could be removed.

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INNER SKELETON: A 63-year-old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had ecome lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.