"Parachuting" joke

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only
one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist
You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist
You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this
before.
Procrastinator
You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat
You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in
multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer
You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor
You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order
to make your next appointment.
Sales executive
You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their
friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service
You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold
fillings.
Advertiser
You strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with
computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Engineer
You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Scientist
You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it
worked.
Mathematician
You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all
cases.
Philosopher
You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English major
You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature
You read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Computer Science
You design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human
being could.
Economics
You plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they
would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis
You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Drama
You tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person
stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Art
You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican
As you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not
expect handouts.
Democrat
You ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into
two equal pieces.
Libertarian
After reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you
take it and jump out.
National Rifle Association
You shoot them and take the parachute.
Police Bigot
You beat them unconscious with the parachute.
Environmentalist
You refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
Objectivist
Your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free
market will take care of the other person.
Branch Davidian (David Koresh)
You get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.
Sports Fan
You start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic
As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
Ross Perot
You tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix
a plane.
Surgeon General
You issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers
You explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences,
studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.