"Penis Facts" joke

THE LONG AND THE SHORT: According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.

HOTDOG HELPERS: The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the end of their penises to elongate them -- sometimes to such a degree that the men literally have to knot them up--while the Mambas of New Hebrides wrap theirs in yards and yards of cloth, making them look up to 17 inches long.

DOUBLE TROUBLE: In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed.

SO LONG THE NIGHT: Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an average of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.

FAST LANE: The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.

COITUS SEMI-INTERRUPTUS: A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunctional because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night.

LES LIAISONS DANGEREUSES: At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful orgasm.

NOBLESSE OBLIGE: England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse.

WORKS FOR ME: It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it could be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon.

NEWS "FLASH": In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic, while those not impressively endowed could, if they chose, wear a leather falsie called a braquette.

MISSIONARIES TAKE NOTE: Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.

GALLIC WAY OF DEATH: French President Francois Faure expired in a bordello in 1899 during the act of copulation, which so terrified his lady of the evening that her vagina constricted intractably, necessitating the surgical removal of the dead man's member.