"Real News" joke

From The Gloucester Citizen: A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

From The Guardian: After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.

Phreakers, or' phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of' Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to' Hello, you fat bastard'.

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:' Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200, 000 Pounds to Save prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that' Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr. Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."