"THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEANS.............!" joke

>THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN
>
>Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
>beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always
>caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The
>reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.
>
>One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they
>would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated
>by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice
>and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.
>
>Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was
>not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of
>the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and
>tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the
>smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and
>decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home.
>Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as
>he left the cafe the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and
>poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the
>frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
>
>Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and
>was seized with a terrible urgency. He waited just outside his front door
>to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly
>exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for
>you." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the
>table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She
>made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the
>phone.
>
>
>
>When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg
>and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg.
>He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the
>air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge.
>He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and
>smelled so bad that he started
>gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to
>normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the
>other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the
>dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were
>dead.
>
>While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like
>this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin.
>When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone
>conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on
>top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his
>wife returned to the room.
>
>Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After
>assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the
>dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
>BIRDIE NUM NUM
>
>A Guy with a long pony tail was lying naked on the beach, sun tanning
>himself. An innocent girl walks past him and is intrigued by this naked
>mans body, specially his penis. She asks him what it is. The man replies
>that it is his "birdie". She asks if she can play with his birdie to which
>the man replies" of course, go right ahead, my birdie is very friendly"
>The girl commences fondling the mans birdie. Later, the man wakes up and
>is in completely new surroundings and in great pain. The innocent girl
>explains that she had to call an ambulance to have him removed to the ICU.
> The man asks what happened.
>The innocent girl goes on the defensive and says" Your birdie started it
>all. I was only playing with it when it spat at me, so I wrung it's neck,
>broke its eggs and burnt its nest!!!!!!
>
>BOOZE