"The Top 15 Things On Santa's To-Do List" joke

15. Virgin or not, time to move little Miss Britney to the
"Naughty" list.

14. Have the elves increase production on those cheesy Xbox
knock-offs.

13. Cancel wrapping paper order -- use those Enron stock
certificates instead.

12. Decide how to respond to Ashcroft's subpoena demanding
information on what foreigners are naughty or nice.

11. Administer nine little Breathalyzer tests.

10. File a flight plan with the FAA -- wouldn't want an F-16
wasting the sleigh.

9. Irradiate all those letters from children -- you can't be too
careful!

8. Remove candy canes from pants pockets during mall photo
sessions -- getting tired of explaining things to the D. A.'s
office.

7. Write letter to self asking for threesome with Mrs. Claus and
Heidi Klum.

6. Finally shave the beard now that the Taliban has fallen.

5. Attend weekly meeting at Nogaholics Anonymous.

4. Touch up the urine-proof lamination job on the the thighs
before heading to the mall.

3. Visit reindeer stalls to load up on stocking stuffers for a
certain Mr. bin Laden.

2. Prepare a lump of coal with Winona Ryder's name on it.

and the Number 1 Thing on Santa's To-Do List...

1. Write back to Susie Winfield of Peoria; ask her how on God's
green earth she thinks a whole pony is going to fit down a
friggin' chimney.