"The holiday calendar for those who can't be bothered" joke

Parties, presents, those Christmas crying jagsso much to do! That's why Modern Humorist wants to simplify your holidays with an advent calendar you don't have to wait to open. No tiny doors to release each day, no little stale chocolates: It's all the advent you want all at once. If you've already missed some days, get reading!
December 1
Shining star of the East (Here, Naos in the constellation Puppis. Naos is a blazing supergiant with no official Christian affiliation and may be admired by all religious peoples, as well as nonreligious peoples.)
December 2
A sweet child singing carols (It may appear the child is mouthing the word "bottom" but surely that is a misperception on your part.)
December 3
A sprig of mistletoe (Poisonous, class B; swelling possible.)
December 4
Albert Finney (Plays Scrooge when Michael Caine demands cut of back end.)
December 5
Scene of falling snowflakes (Flakes #4, 678, 090 and #35, 097, 977? Alike.)
December 6
Currier & Ives (A pair of history's most raucous, madcap lithograph dealers ever to trade in scenes of snowy meadows and gently lowing cattle.)
December 7
A pomander (Typically, a fragrant orange studded with cloves but here portrayed by "Crossing Jordan" star Jill Hennessey who, in calendar user surveys, tested as slightly more interesting than withered citrus mottled with spice.)
December 8
Harry Bailey (Always messing up things for brother George; pos. working for Old Man Potter?)
December 9
Poinsettia (People love to stare at a poinsettia to pass the time and enjoy life more.)
December 10
Clement C. Moore (The first writer ever to compare the wobbling abdomen of a nocturnal home intruder to a bowl full of jelly? Or just another hack to tread that tired path?)
December 11
Bows (Everywhere. Not to be trusted.)
December 12
Bob Geldof (With a bit more research, Sir Geldof would have discovered that Ethiopians do know it's Christmas and have since 320 A. D., when Christianity became Ethiopia's state religion, due in part to the ecumenical efforts of the slaves Aedisius and Frumentius.)
December 13
Burl Ives (Back in the day, if Burl didn't want Christmas one year, then Christmas was off, completely off. He had that kind of pull.)
December 14
Yukon Cornelius (Gold-lovin', bumble-hatin', pick-tastin', beard-growin', elf-chastisin', reindeer-likin', snow-eatin' lonely, lonely man.)
December 15
Tinsel (Which, come January, will be lining the lower intestines of cats everywhere.)
December 16
Whoopi Goldberg (Contractually obligated to annually don Santa suit and say lines such as "I'm not hitching a ride on some smelly deer, no way!" Played by Tim Allen when Whoopi demands cut of back end.)
December 17
Swag (Garland's greatest foe.)
December 18
Garland (Swag's most heinous adversary.)
December 19
a God Elf (A compromise for Christians' age-old dilemmado we go with Jesus or Santa this year? Coincidentally, God Elf is an anagram for Geldof.)
December 20
Fruitcake (All fruitcake jokes must cease. Any fruitcake jokes caught lumbering lethargically around holiday office parties will be shotshot full of brandy so those darn doorstops actually taste good! Am I right?)
December 21
The Annunciation (It may appear the angel is mouthing, "Mary, gotta second?")
December 22
Scrooge (Albert Finney)
December 23
Homemade handicraft (A mitten? A casserole? It's unclear. A soft relative you haven't yet met?)
December 24
Myrrh (A pungent, gummy resin that you should absolutely never sit in, though the temptation will be great.)