"The original handbook of football" joke

THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL
Do you remember primary school/junior high/high school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?...
Well forget'em! This is **FOOTBALL**. With the all new standardized guide to Football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember what second base was or any of that shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in Baseball and not Football! Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing, and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of Football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered that yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved here, in The Original Handbook of Football!
Okay now for the yard lines.
your 10 yrd ln... holding hands
" 20 yrd ln... hugging
" 30 yrd ln... kiss on the cheek
" 40 yrd ln... kiss on the mouth
" 50 yrd ln... tongue kiss (mid-field means it's serious)
his/her 40 yrd ln... shirt and bra off (feeling and carousing)
30 yrd ln... all clothes off (genital contact, mutual masturbation)
20 yrd ln... oral sex
1st and goal..put on the condom
Goal line... touchdown (sexual intercourse)
Now for some important definitions:
Kickoff- making the first move (asking for a date)
Kicking it deep- asking out a virgin (starting out deep in your own end)
On-side kick- asking out a slut/stud (starting out close to mid-field)
Kick returns- how far you go on the first date
Downs- attempt to get more yards (2 down and then you have to punt again)
- you get an extra down in the NFL
Running the ball- taking it a yard at a time
Passing- skipping stages/ yards
Fumble- impotency
Fumble recovery- regain erection
Interception- going the other way (homosexuality)
Turnover- anal sex
Field Goal- only one of you has orgasm (she fakes it)
Touchdown- mutual orgasm
Extra point- the smoke afterwards
2 point conversion- a smoke and a phone#
High Scoring Game-multiple orgasms
Rain delay- Parents/ roomate comes back early
Some important positions:
Offensive Line:
Quarterback- the most important position (missionary position)
Quarterback sneak- unusual positions
Hupper (center)- doggie style
Tight End- self-explanatory
Wide Receiver- opposite of a tight end
Nose Tackle- self-explanatory
Running Back- a hand off
Defensive Line- protection (all forms)
Break in the defense- condom breaks
Penalties:
Roughing-S & M
Holding- rope burn or hand cuffs
Offside- premature ejactulation
Other important terms:
Pile up- orgy
Tackle- kick in groin (stopped)
Miss the FG- wide right, wide left, or short
3rd down and inches- call for yard stick (measurements)
Superbowl- marriage
Grey Cup- live in (not full status)
Fiesta Bowl- Sex in South America
Play 1. There was on an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end, so there was a turnover.
Play 2. The ball was kicked deep with no return. I ran the ball to mid-field but decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a rain delay. When the game resumed, the next down was when the running back took it to the 10 yard line. With 1st and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback and then thre was a quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!
Play 3. I was tacked in the massive pile up...
Play 4. It was 3rd down and inches on the 20 yard line but on the Field Goal attempt I was short.
Play 5. I was kicked out of the pile up; I was holding and roughing.