"Tips On Being A Better Dog: (Read These To Your Dog)" joke

Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. Extra points if you can gently grab their hands. They love that.

Licking: Always take a big drink immediately before licking humans. They prefer clean tongues. During the human’s dinner time, when you are in the same room is the best time to give yourself a full body bath. The louder you are the cleaner they think you are.

Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed…. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them and anyone that you meet. Crotch sniffing will always get their attention.

Holes: If digging is a must do not dig one big hole (to noticeable). Rather, dig many smaller ones all over the yard as they will blend in and may not get noticed. Dogs with human gardeners are required to give their human a paw and help dig up anything growing in their garden.

Housebreaking: This is very important to humans and must be taken seriously. So break as much of the house as possible. Best time is when they are late for your feeding. Common rewards are: new toy, let outside to run around, taken to school to meet new friends, more walks.

Walks: When on a walk never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Always go on the lawns that are greener and better taken care of than your humans. This makes them feel as though you appreciate their lawn better than the neighbors. Always pull as hard as you can. Walks are short enough so it is our responsibility to ensure that our humans see as much of the neighborhood as possible. It is also our responsibility to show our humans the fun and excitement that is felt when chasing cats and squirrels, so if at all possible pull them down to the ground so they too can smell the furry little rodents.

Playing: Indoor playing can also help in the above area of housebreaking, if you are good. When playing outdoors always jump up on your human after you stepped in one of you own messes. They appreciate being shown where you previously went and will always clean it up right away. They also foolishly try to be like anther dog and try and play chase. Indulge them and show them how it is done by sneaking up from behind and grabbing their behind. They love this and will then proceed to chase you again.

Barking: Humans have you around because they do not know how to effectively bark at noises. You must bark a lot to show them how it is done. Bark at every noise. It will make them feel safe. This especially works well in the middle of the night when all are asleep. It is your duty to alert them to all noises so don’t let doggiedom down.

Vet visits: Since we cannot effectively tell them that something hurts we must lower ourselves to a level they can understand and bite the vet. At that point your human will hold you close and talk nicely to you.

Feeding: If something doesn’t taste right then throw it up and eat it again. Sometimes it is better the second time around. Do this in front of your human to show them you appreciate their effort.

Sleeping: Sleep as much as possible when your human is gone. That way you will have plenty of energy to play with them when they get home. If they are too nice and pretend like they don’t want to play then you must encourage them to play by running wildly around the house barking. (this also will help with the above mentioned housebreaking responsibilities. See how important housebreaking is) Also, If you must sleep when they are home then do it in the middle of the pathway. This puts the human at ease since they know right where you are if they need you.