"Women`s Secret Talk" joke

The most widely used language in the world has neither
name nor dictionary. It crosses the bounds of all known
dialects. I have discovered that all women of all ages
are able to speak it, and am revealing what little I
know of it to menfolk everywhere.

This secret language is a strange combination of words,
intonations, faint eyebrow-lifting and well-placed
pauses by which women can even exchange insults in
such a manner that the male thinks they are
complimenting each other.

They can make the male believe that a woman they are
discussing is their bosom friend, when in reality,
they`re ripping her to shreds.

It`s also useful to them in awkward social situations.
For example, the hostess decides that it`s time for
y`all to go home. Maybe the hostess will say

"Can`t I give you just one more drink (pause) before
(pause) you go." The man of course is ready to state
his preference for drinks, the woman knows it`s past
time to leave. It was the pauses,

placed exactly right that did it.

In this same vein, the pause is the key to saying
"no way". When Mrs. Jones telephones Mrs. Smith to
say that her four spinster cousins have just arrived
from Medicine Hat, North Dakota and that she`d like
to bring them to the cocktail party,

Mrs. Smith doesn`t have to say
"over my dead body sister".

All she does is say

"Oh! (pause) yes, bring them (pause) by all means."
With the careful use of both pauses and inflection,
that lets Mrs. Jones know that unless she never wants
another invitation in her lifetime, she`d better get
the cousins a bottle of blackberry cordial,
and leave them at home.

Another technique which men most often miss is the
reverse meaning statement. How many men have had to
sleep on the couch after believing his wife really
meant "I don`t want a thing for my birthday."

This gentlemen is her ancient mother tongue whether
spoken in English or Hindu.

What it really means is: "I haven`t seen you trying
to sneak in any packages. Don`t you dare forget my
birthday."

See? ?? And all you men, you thought that when one
woman said to another, "Oh, dear heart..."

she was being sweet and motherly, when in effect
she`s saying,

"My God... are you really that stupid woman? "

Beware too of believing any woman who carefully
chooses her words. For example, one woman telling
another "Oh (pause) don`t you look sweet", means
about the same thing as asking her, if she shopped
at the Thrift Shop for her outfit.

The same is true when one woman has just been shown
up by another, or been caught in a mistake or
social faux pas. She will reply something to the
effect: "Oh (pause) my goodness.

Aren`t you just too much? Why poor lil` ole me,

I never would have thought of that."

And to make it even more confusing to us poor
males, the tone changes the meaning of any word
at all. Take the simple statement:

"I think she`s very nice."

a flat monotone indicates she`s a total bore
a belligerent tone indicates she`s a slut emphasis
on the word "think" means the lady`s a mystery woman
emphasis on the word "very" means she`s a phony
emphasis on the words "very" and "nice" indicates
the woman has secrets.

Now let`s compound the problem and have the same
woman raise her left eyebrow as she sez

"I think she`s very nice."

This means that the woman being discussed
has been sleeping with all of the husbands of the
women listening.

The rule seems to be all women participating must
never let the male know or even suspect what`s going on.
Thus, no woman would ever reply to an insult to her
outfit with anything but

"Why I think your dress is very nice too.

If fact, my maiden Aunt had one just like it."

While this hidden language does make things complicated
for the female, it has many obvious advantages.
But men, if you think you`d like to learn it,

I can only suggest that you take up Sanskrit instead.

You`d find it much easier to learn.