Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter,"Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes." St. Peter, "I can't answer that question... but see God walking around over there? Ask him." Zebra to God, "God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?" God looks at the zebra sagely and states, "You are what you are." Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter. What did He say," asks S. P." Oh,," replies the zebra. "He just said,' You are what you are,' and I still don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes." "Oh, that's easy," says S. P. "You are white with black stripes." "How do you know?" asks the zebra. "Well," says S. P., "if you were black with white stripes he would have said' you is what you is.'"
There was an ambulance with its siren on that was rushing to the hospital that passed by a tenement. After they passed the tenement, they saw a Samoan man running quickly to the ambulance. The drivers were questioned by his presence behind them so they stopped the ambulance and asked the Samoan what was his problem. The Sole ran up to the ambulance and asked, "Eh, U still get ice cream?"
Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?