1000 Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more cash?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! They actually have a program here that teaches sock monkeys to talk!"
"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get one in that program?"
"Just send me a sock monkey with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends a sock monkey and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.
"So how's the sock monkey doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that more...

We've all caught someone at sometime picking their nose. Some try to do it in secret. Others do it openly without embarrassment.
Maybe even you have been caught in the act. Nose-picking is one disgusting habit and is certainly not socially acceptable. So, are these people normal? One would guess that this is not the type of thing researched at our institutions of higher learning. Guess again. The Americans did.Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose picking is a term for us common folk. Nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania (rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking at something, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac.

The researchers prepared their "Rhinotillexomania Questionnaire"
and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that more...

A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father.
"Dad, you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!" he says. "Why, they have a program here that will teach Rex how to talk!"
"That's amazing!" exclaims his father. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the son says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, he again runs out of money. He calls his father again.
"So, how's Rex doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had more...

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.
The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.
The husband asked her about what.
She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.
The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!
Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that " I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.
The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.
Sell? The didn't sell yours... where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

This test is to gauge your mental flexibility and creativity. In the three years since it has been developed, it has been found that few people can solve more then half on the first day. Many reported getting answers long after the test had been set aside, at unexpected moments when their minds were relaxed, and some reported solving it over a period of several days.

Example 16 = O in a P Answer: 16 Ounces in a Pound

1) 26=L of the A

2) 7 = D of the W

3) 1001 = A N

4) 12 = S of the Z

5) 54 = C in a D (with J)

6) 9 = P in the S S

7) 88 = P K

8) 13 = S on the A F

9) 32 = D at which W F

10) 18 = H on a G C

11) 90 = D in a R A

12) 8 = S on a S S

13) 3 = B M (S H T R)

14) 4 = Q in a G

15) 24 = H in a D

16) 1 = W on a U

17) 5 = D in a Z C

18) 57 = H V

19) 11 = P on a F B more...

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky maths. Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
FOURTH QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Q1: If you answered that by overtaking the second person you were first, you were absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and take his place, you are second.
Q2. Can you please explain how you can overtake the LAST person?
Q3 I'm afraid I answered 5000 to this question: I may have to ban myself from watching the programme. The correct answer is actually 4100. Check with your calculator.
Q4 Nunu? Nana? more...

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and a Quebecian. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the Nefoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said, "I will grant three wishes, so that's one for each of you." So the Newfoundlander goes, "Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland." So puff, he was sent to Newfoundland.
Then the Quebecian jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I want. TheQuebecian says, "I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be 1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec." So the genie says okay and builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada and the Quebecian is back there.
So now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says, "Tell me more about this wall." So the genie tells him, "This wall is 1000 feet more...