1000 Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1, 000, 000 times smarter.
So God made him a woman! !

A college student called his mom from school and asked her for some money, because he ran out. His mom said, "Sure, sweetie, I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited a couple weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?""Uhh, oh yeah! Uh, yeah I guess that would be okay," responded her son.So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she got back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"Oh, I just wrote 2 checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000."That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???""Don't worry hon," she said, as she kissed him on the top of his head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a more...

A college student his mother and asked her for some money.
His mother said that she would send him money and mentioned that he had left his calculus book when when he visited two weeks ago and asked if she should send it too.
"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." Responded the student.
Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "How much did you give the boy this time?
Mom replied, "I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000."
"That's $1020!" yelled Dad. "Are you crazy?"
"Don't worry hon," Mum said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in
chapter 19!"

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

The government of Sri Lanka is now hiring MP s for the next parliament.
Salary: Rs 22100/- per month
Other allowances: ( legal)
1 Entertainment Rs 1000/- per month
2 Fuel allowance Rs 7500/- per month
3 Cell phone allowance Rs 2000/- month
4 Attending parliament Rs 4000/- per month
5 Driver's allowance Rs 3500/- per month (can use
more than one driver)
Other benefits:
1 Telephone with international connection
2 Photo copier at duty free rate ( Rs 685/-) monthly.
3 Computer at duty free rate ( Rs 1150/-)monthly.
4 Typewriter at duty free rate ( Rs 425/-) monthly.
5 Permit to import a luxury car valued at 30000 Us $
6 After 5 years another permit to import a luxury car
7 MPs those who selected are living 25 miles from
Colombo are entitled 2 story house with 3 bed rooms and other facilities ( Rs 1000 will be charged per month as rent)
Other previlages:
food at low cost from parliament more...

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"So, here you are: a dozen reasons to be glad the automotive industry hasn't kept up with the computer industry:1. Every time you wanted to drive on a different road, you would have to buy a new car.2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.3. Occasionally, executing a common maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.4. Traffic jams would be known as lag, and you'd accept them as well.5. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you more...