1000 Jokes / Recent Jokes
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. "I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what? "I work for the IRS."
A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some. "Of course, I'll send you some money, dear," Mom said. "By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?" "Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom," the boy replied. So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel. When she returned, Dad asked, "So, how much did you send him this time?" "I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000," Mom replied. "Have you lost your mind?" Dad exclaimed. "That's $1020!" "Not to worry," Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.
"Of course, I'll send you some money, dear," Mom said. "By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?"
"Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom," the boy replied.
So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel.
When she returned, Dad asked, "So, how much did you send him this time?"
"I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000," Mom replied.
"Have you lost your mind?" Dad exclaimed. "That's $1020!"
"Not to worry," Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy." Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy." Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.
There were three men who died and before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter."
So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter."
So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1, 000, 000 times smarter."
So God made him a woman.
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian
scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed,
American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Sri Lankan press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Sri Lankan scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones."