2000 Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Economy, Stupid
"We`re enjoying sluggish times, and not enjoying them very much." -George Bush Sr., in 1992
"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness." -George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000
Mangled Metaphors
"Please don`t ask me to do that which I`ve just said I`m not going to do, because you`re burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you, and I am now filibustering." -George Bush Sr., in 1989
"The senator has got to understand if he`s going to have - he can`t have it both ways. He can`t take the high horse and then claim the low road." -George W. Bush, in Feb. 2000
The Call of the Wild
"If you`re worried about caribou, take a look at the arguments that were used about the pipeline. They`d say the caribou would be extinct. You`ve got to shake them away with a stick. They`re all making love lying up against the pipeline and you got thousands of caribou up more...

Man`s Best Friend
"Let me give you a little serious political advice. One single word. Puppies. Worth the points." -George Bush Sr., in 1990
"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow." -George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000
Political Savvy
"It`s no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another." -George Bush Sr., in 1988
"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you`re going to win. And that`s where I`m coming from." -George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000
Freudian Slips
"For seven and a half years I`ve worked alongside President Reagan. We`ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We`ve had some sex... uh... setbacks." -George Bush Sr., in 1988
"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." -George W. Bush, reflecting in 1994 more...

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in more...

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12. BREAKFAST. SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13. COFFEE. SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press more...

The Short History of Medicine
2000 B. C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A. D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A. D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A. D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A. D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A. D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. more...

The United States 2000 census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.
"Oh, don't be alarmed, sir," she said. "I'm a nudist."
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.
"Eighteen." The lady replied.
"Lady," the census taker gasped, "you're not a nudist - You just don't have time to get dressed!"