Acceptable Jokes / Recent Jokes

Announcement: It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside). Invitations: Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one more...

In today's era of affirmative action and politically correct
speaking, it is no longer acceptable to say "handicapped" or
"disabled." "Challenged" is now the acceptable term.
Such was the case when a morning radio personality (somewhere
around Maryland) recently reported a traffic jam caused by a
"mechanically challenged" vehicle.
The unfortunate thing about using the word "challenged" when
referring to a disabled person is, it won't change the nature of their
disability, nor is it likely to change peoples' feelings toward them.
Instead, as has happened with so many other words, "challenged" will
take on the new meaning. Twenty years from now, when we say that "a
skier was challenged by an expert slope," we will probably mean that
he broke his leg.

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. "What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?"
Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the fuck was that?"
Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?"
Custer, 1877
8 "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so fucking look like her!"
Picasso, 1926
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?"
Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the fuck are we?"
Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!"
Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton, 1999
and a drum roll... !!!
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this more...

If it were really a man's world. . . . .
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and
a Cheers for the sex - now fuck off" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
8. Every man would get four, real' Get Out of Jail Free' cards per year.
9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
12. more...

Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Mencken's Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.
Muir's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Nolan's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

"If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"... Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history! The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". Tanks would be far easier to rent. Two words..."Ally McNaked". Birth control would come in ale or lager. Garbage would take itself out. The funniest guy in the office more...

Announcement:It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).Invitations:Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one more...