According Jokes / Recent Jokes

MEN ACCORDING TO WOMEN

1. Nice men are ugly.
2. Handsome men are not nice.
3. Men who are both nice and handsome are gay.
4. Men who are handsome, nice, and heterosexual are
married.
5. Men who are not so handsome, but are
nice men, have no money.
6. Men who are not so handsome, but are
nice men with money think we are only after their
money.
7. Handsome men without money are after
our money.
8. Handsome men, who are not so nice and
are somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are
beautiful enough.
9. Men who think we are beautiful, that
are heterosexual, somewhat nice and somewhat
handsome,
and have money, are cowards.
10. Men who are somewhat handsome,
somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are
heterosexual, are shy and
NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
11. Men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us when we take more...

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).
The 1998 nominees are:
NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily more...

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the more...

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how! difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish & Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females that do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen. .. had to be a girl.
(MM's remark: That could have fooled me; I never saw a reindeer stop to ask for directions. ..)

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so). Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.

Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen…. had to be a female.

We should’ve known this when when they were able to find their way.