Activity Jokes / Recent Jokes

The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206, 000, 000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual. EXAMPLES: 1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake. 25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms. 53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries. 53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings. PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned) ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3 Decanting the wine: 4 Without a corkscrew: 268 MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15 If you are anxious: 43 If you beg: 100 SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are more...

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time.

The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:

5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes more...

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly, or the
davenport. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental
rug. Lacking an Oriental rug, shag is good.
DOORS: About them...
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door
is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can
change your mind.
When you have ordered an outdoor door opened, stand half-in
and half-out and think about several things (particularly
important during very cold weather or mosquito season).
Doors swinging: Avoid.
GUESTS: About them...
After dinner, when walking on the dinner table among the
dishes, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded.
The idea to convey is, "But you let me do it when there
isn't company!"
Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap
during the evening. You will know him because he will call
you more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
With partner's consent... 12 Shoes flew off... 35
Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2
Orchestra swelled... 6
UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang
Using two calm hands... 7 Large birds... 7
Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds... 3
Earth moved... 30
Lifting partner... 15 PULLING OUT:
Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm... 1/2
Using skateboard... 3 A few moments before orgasm.500
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY:
For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman... 3
Losing erection... 14 For men... 72
Searching for it... 115
GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,
With erection... 1.5 orgasm comes easily... 53
Without erection... 300 You're enjoying sex, despite the
fact that other people are
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving... more...

The principal of a local town's middle school was having problems with the condition of the girls' bathroom. The girls were leaving lipstick kisses all over the bathroom mirrors. Warnings to cease this activity were announced daily over the loudspeaker to no avail.

One day the principal gathered all of the suspected girls in the bathroom and introduced them to the janitor, Mr. Jones. Asking them again to stop this activity. He emphasized how hard it was for Mr. Jones to clean the mess, and then asked Mr. Jones to demonstrate how hard it was to clean the lipstick off of the mirror.

Mr. Jones stepped forward, withdrew a long handled brush dipped it into the toilet bowl and proceeded to clean the mirrors. The principal is happy to announce that there are no more problems with lipstick on the mirrors.