Adult Jokes / Recent Jokes
The wives of four world leaders were having' tea' and the topic was raised of what one diplomatically calls a gentleman's manhood in their language.
Tony Blair's wife said in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
Jaques Chirac's wife said in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Boris Yeltsin's wife said in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
Bill Clinton's wife said that in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
A man had recently gone through a messy divorce to his wife of 10 years. Part of the settlement was that for every dollar he made, she would get 2/3 of it. If he made $300, she would get $200 and he would get $100. So, she would always get twice as much as he did.
One day on a jog, he found a corked bottle lying on the ground, and of course, when he rubbed on it to try to clean it off, a genie came out.
'You know the drill,' said the genie.' You get three wishes, but be aware that for everything you wish for, you ex-wife gets twice as much. That was in your settlement and I am obligated to stick to that.'
'Yea, OK,' said the man.' For my first wish, I want a million dollars.'
'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has 2 million.'
'I know, I know...' said the man.' Now I wish for a mansion and a matching sports car in the garage.'
'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has a mansion twice your size and two more...
My wife makes so much noise when she makes love that even the neighbors have started to complain. So, I don't let her go over there anymore.
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and tells the chief,' this is a tree.' The chief looks at the tree and grunts,' tree.' The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,' this is a rock.' At which the chief looks and grunts,' rock.'
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,' riding a bike.' The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching more...
Three men die in a car accident after a wild Christmas eve party. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. To enter they must each present something Christ-massy.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a slightly crumbled cookie, in the shape of an angel, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, the angel asks "how do these represent Christmas?"
The man explains, "Well, they're Carol's!"
The Lord decided it was time to make a companion for Adam.
He summoned St. Peter and told him of His decision.
He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure.
The Lord said He would call this being woman. So St. Peter went about creating this being, which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
'Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job', said The Lord
'Thank You, O Great One, I live but to serve.' replied St. Peter.' I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this..... .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter Lord.'
'You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more more...
The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women.
Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace.
The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says more...