Afternoon Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE following are actual examples of announcements made in church:
• This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Ladies' literary society meets Wednesday. Mrs Johnson will sing' Put me in my little bed' accompanied by the pastor.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• Tonight's sermon is:' What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Admins note: I'll definitely have to remember this one!!!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8: 00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. more...

A woman brings a Parrot home from the pet store and names it Fred. One afternoon the bird begins to talk and says, "Fuck You, Fuck You." The lady is shocked and calmly tells the bird that it is not nice to swear. She further warns that if he persist she will have to take more drastic action. Several days go by and the bird continues to curse her. One afternoon when the lady has company, Fred begins his usual stuff and the lady looses her temper and throws him in the freezer. Several hours pass before the lady remembers what she had done. She quickly takes him out and puts him down on the table. Fred is just shivering and almost Frozen solid. After warming up a while the lady asked Fred, "Have you learned your lesson?" Fred shivers and says, "Yes, but just one question. What in the hell did that turkey in there say?"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8. 00 p. m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8. 00 p. m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the cardplayers continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I more...