Agent Jokes / Recent Jokes

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the more...

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year."Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?""It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife.""Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this oneis for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we alllove! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for beingsmart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger whoprobably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was canceled. Asingle agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticketdown on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to beFIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to helpyou, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able towork something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so thatthe passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public more...

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have... Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.

Three Agents Of An Insurance Company Were Discussing There Companies Performance.
First Agent: Our Client Died On Monday, We Came To Know On Tuesday And Released His Insurance On Wednesday.
Second Agent: Our Client Died On Monday We Came To Know On The Same Day And We Released His Insurance On Tuesday.
Third Agent: Our Office Is On The 20th Floor Of Wtc, Our Client Was Painting The Building On The 84th Floor He Fell From There And We Gave His Insurance Cheque While He Passed Our Floor.

A real-estate agent and her new trainee were driving around when she spotted a hand-lettered 'For Sale' sign in front of a delightful little farmhouse.
After quickly introducing herself and her trainee to the surprised occupant, the agent went from room to room, opening cupboards and closets, checking out the faucets and giving advice and tips on where subtle changes and a little paint here and there would help. Pleased with her performance, the agent was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Excuse me, ma'am," the farmer said, "I certainly appreciate the little tips and advice you've given me, but I think you've misread my sign.
It says "HORSE For Sale!"