Airport Jokes / Recent Jokes

So, what you're like on the inside, finally matters.

A man finally decides to go on the vacation of his life. He had
been putting it off because he owned a prize winning cat and
he also looked after his aging mother who lived next door. After
much worrying he decided to leave his cat in his brother's care
and take the vacation he'd so long put off.
"OK," he told his brother "Take good care of my cat and check
in on Mom every day."
"Yeah, yeah," said the less responsible brother "I'll take care of everything, you just go on your stupid vacation."
So the vacation started by him being dropped off at the airport
by his now "responsible" brother. After two weeks the man
returned from his trip and his brother picked him up at the airport. Getting into the car the man immediately asked "How's my cat doing?"
"Your cat's dead." came the reply from his brother.
"WHAT?" asked the man in total more...

Landing in Florida yesterday, 23-year-old Barrington Irving became the first black pilot to fly solo around the world. The celebration was cut short, however, when police arrived demanding to know if it was really his plane and then searching the aircraft for drugs.

A passenger on a Vermont-bound flight received a rude awakening from his nap when he was struck on the leg by a scorpion.

Airline officials report the arachnid breached security and had boarded the aircraft using false identification.

A pilot was flying a small charter plane
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" to which the man replies, "You're in an airplane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer more...

The recent ban on liquids on all flights has caused many passengers to make choices about some of their more pricey carry-on items. Many passengers are having to discard high end make-up, expensive pefumes, and duty free alcohol. In a related story, the number of well groomed, sweet smelling, drunk TSA agents has increased tenfold over the last two days.
Anton Gerasimov (pictured above) was not about to let some greasy yellow bastards get their hands on his booze. Instead of discarding his prized champagne at the security checkpoint he decided to drink it before boarding, to which the TSA agents replied, "Drink Motherf**ker, drink motherf**ker, DRINK!"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position? The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because more...