Albert Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so
much time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

Knock Knock Who's there! Albert! Albert who! Albert you don't know who this is!

Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How about them, Cowboys?"

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner."Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here`s just a small humorous sampling:PAUL REVERE`S MOTHER: "I don`t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"MARY,MARY, QUITE CONTRARY`S MOTHER: "I don`t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"MONA LISA`S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that`s the biggest smile you can give us?"HUMPTY DUMPTY`S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I`ve told you once, I`ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"COLUMBUS`S MOTHER: "I don`t care what you`ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"BABE RUTH`S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That`s the third broken window this week!"MICHELANGELO`S MOTHER: "Mike, can`t you paint on more...

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths.
One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men". He took the path assigned to
men.
There were two more paths, one marked "Married Men", the other "Unmarried Men".
Because Albert had been married he took the corresponding path and then came
upon two more gates.
The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their
Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Not Dominated By Their Spouses". The
first gate had an endless line of chaps waiting, but only one little guy stood
before the second gate.
Albert found this very interesting, so he walked up to the little guy standing
all alone and asked, "Why are you standing at this gate, a little guy like you?"
The smallish fellow replied, "I have not any clue. My wife told me to stand
here."