Alligator Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blonde, vacationing in the depths of Louisiana, desperately wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes but refused to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
Becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one shopkeeper, the blonde screamed, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
"By all means, be my guest," the shopkeeper replied. "Maybe you'll even luck out and catch yourself a really big one!"
Now, more determined than ever, the blonde headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
As the shopkeeper is driving home, later in the day, he spots the young woman waist deep in the water, shotgun in her hand. Just then, he sees a huge alligator swimming quickly towards her. She takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the swamp bank. Nearby, there were several more of the dead creatures.
As the more...
A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, and a patched eye walks into a bar and orders a beer.After the beer the bartender says,"I hope you dont mind me asking but why do you have a peg leg?"The pirate replies,"We were coming ashore and the ship tipped over and an alligator bit me leg off." After the next beer the bartender says"I hope you dont mind me asking but How did you get a hook for a hand?" The pirate replied "We were coming into shore and the alligator bit me hand off." After his last beer the bartender says,"I hope you dont mind me asking but How did you get the patched eye?" The pirate replied,"We were coming into shore when a bird pooped on me face and it was my first day with me hook."
A sergeant-major in the Paras was giving a lecture to some raw recruits.
''If you want to be part of this regiment,'' he shouted at them, ''then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?''
''COMMITMENT, sergeant-major!'' the recruits all shouted back.
''Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.''
The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door. Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a ten-foot-long alligator, snarling and snapping. The sergeant-major then undid his belt and dropped his trousers. Almost as soon as he did so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeant-major's love truncheon. The sergeant-major barely winced. ''This,'' he shouted. ''is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT!'' He weaited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers.
The alligator flipped over more...
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.' 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.''
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.' 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.''
A hush fell over more...
The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, "If you're going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important."
He then said to his aide, "Let him go." The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping.
The general looked straight at his new people and said "You're each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT."
He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees. Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the general's family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, "This is COMMITMENT!"
He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator more...
One day Gramma sent her grandson little Johnnie down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnnie. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnnie. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnnie, "if he's as scared as I am, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a roadside gift shop. "What is it made of?" she asked."Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied."I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that alligator's teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us.""Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."