Angel Jokes / Recent Jokes

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.
The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged..."What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Would you explain that to more...

People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top
of the Christmas tree.
It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to
get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the world's children. He told
Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch
to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all
the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.
At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with
Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized
she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out
to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night,
had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree.
Santa tried to more...

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little
stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year. ”
The angel says, “Okay, you may enter. ”
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, “I earned $150, 000 as an attorney. ” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life? ”
The man replies, “I earned $8, 000 last year. . . ”
“Oh, ” the angel interrupts. more...

Here is a lawyer joke that I heard, but it applies equally well to accountants
or other similar professions:
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of
Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for
you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why
did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45.
I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few
minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked
all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

Santa was having a really bad day.First the elves go on strike and he has to make all the last minute gifts by himself.When he's loading the gifts into the sleigh, the bottom of the sleigh falls right off. So he goes and gets the tool kit.Hes almost done, untill all the deer got loose and he hit his thumb with the hammer. He says "Thats it, I've had it!"So after he gathers all the deer and puts them in the barn, he goes inside to have a drink of juice and rum. He goes to get the rum, but Mrs. Claus left a note saying that all the elves took the rum wen they went on strike.He goes to open the juice but when he is tring to open the juice bottle it slips right out of his hands and breaks into a billion pieces.He goes to get the broom but the mice ate all the straw off it.Then he hears a very loud knock at the door. When he goes to answer it their is an angel with a wonderful tree in her hands. She says "Isn't this the most beautiful tree you've ever seen?"Santa says more...

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. .. but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the more...

One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf.But he couldn't, since it was Sunday. But hefigured, well, it's ok if i just play a little bit.So he changed clothes and went out into the green.Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it toJesus. However, Jesus didn't do anything when hetold him. "Aren't you going to punish him?" he asked Jesus. "Yes, just wait." he replied.Just then the pope hit a beautiful hole in one."Well, that's not a punishment!" the angel said in disgust."Who is he going to tell?"