Angel Jokes / Recent Jokes
CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand more...
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can`t take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can`t bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. more...
An angel appears at a priests meeting and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of the preists whispers, "Say something."
The leader sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.
A bird dog could be called a point setter.
James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.
What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel? It's a matter of a pinion!
It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.
1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____.
2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of _____ _____.
3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.
4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____
5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: more...
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.
As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped.
So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.
The elves were on strike.
The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad.
All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa-filled with rage-threw open the door.
Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees more...
Two statues, a boy and a girl, had been standing in a city park for 50 plus years. God decided that, since they had been standing there obediantly for so long, they should get a chance to be human for awhile. So he sent an angel down.The angel immediately "unfroze" them and told them they had an hour to do whatever their heart's desired.
The boy and the girl looked at each other, giggled and ran behind the bushes.All the angel heard for a half hour was lots of giggling. They came out and the angel told them that they still had thirty minutes.The boy and girl looked at each other again, "Do you want to do it again?" the boy asked. "Yes," the girl answered. "But this time you hold the bird and I'll poop on his head."