Angels Jokes / Recent Jokes
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and more...
Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.
Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too?
Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead of a "Happy Christmas"?
A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas" an extra twinkle is
seen in the eyes.
Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live
Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life.
Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the
recipients.
Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit,
but OSHA passed more...
I don't know if you saw Oprah a few days ago, but the winners of the "Young People Write an Essay About the Holocaust Contest" were announced. Fifty young people from around the country were selected to appear on Oprah's show and read portions of their essays, then watch Oprah cry with a real-life Holocaust survivor. Why do I think the contest was rigged? It's because my essay was not chosen, even though I am a young person and, like Oprah, I totally believe in angels.
Luckily, I have a forum for my essay (Which my angels helped me write, by the way.) on Daily Comedy. Here it is. I think that after reading it you will agree that my holocaust essay's not being chosen is the biggest travesty in history since the holocaust.
Oprah is Better Than Hitler
An Essay by Kurt Metzger and Angels
Hi, my name is Kurt and I hate the holocaust. It was totally not cool. If I ever had the chance to meet Hitler, I would tell him that he is a jerk and his mustache did more...
The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.
"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.
"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.
A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates. He told himself, "Im a fire chief, Im not going to wait in line." He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in. Im a fire chief." The angels replied, "Youll haveto wait in line like everyone else, sir."While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a whitehelmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chiefwas pissed and went to talk to the angels. He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it allwrong, sir. Thats God, he just thinks hes a Fire Chief."
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?""Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.""Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!""Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."
An elderly Punjabi admitted in the intensive care department of a hospital made a request that he should be allowed to take lessons in Urdu. The doctor in charge was very puzzled and asked him the reason why.' Urdu is the language of angels,' replied the Punjabi.' If I die I want to be able to converse with all the houris I will meet in Paradise.'
'How can you be sure you will go to heaven?' asked the doctor.' You may go down to hell, then what good will the Urdu you call the language of angels be to you?'
'That will be no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi.'