Announces Jokes / Recent Jokes
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2? " The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2? " Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it". Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system". Medical Student: "4" All others looking astonished: "How did you know?" Medical Student: "I memorized it."
Two Surds were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes
into the flight, the Captain announces, "One of the engines has failed
and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three
engines left."
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announces, "One more engine has
failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have
two engines left."
An hour later, the Captain announces, "One more engine has failed
and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry, we have one
engine left."
One Surdarji looked at the other and said, "If we lose one more
engine, we'll be up here all day!"
President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have
dinner with God. During dinner He tells them: "I needed three important
people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy
the Earth."
Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: "I have two
really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the
earth."
Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: "I have good
news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is
tomorrow he's destroying the Earth."
Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: "I have two pieces of
great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth,
and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed."
President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to havedinner with God. During dinner He tells them: "I needed three importantpeople to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroythe Earth."Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: "I have tworeally bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy theearth."Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: "I have goodnews and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news istomorrow he's destroying the Earth."Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: "I have two pieces ofgreat news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth, and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed."
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
'Well, I ran out onto the more...
A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.
The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.
The husband asks: "Did we break that too?" "Yes", replies the man.
"Sorry. Do you live here?" the husband asks.
"No, actually, I'm a genie." The man states. "I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?"
The husband thinks a moment: "First, make my wife a better golfer." "Poof! She's a better golfer", the genie announces.
"Second, I want a million bucks a week for life." "Poof! you get a million bucks a more...